


If you say 'Crikey' I will punch you.

by mcgooglykins



Series: Cane Toad Five-0 [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Australia, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-18
Updated: 2011-05-18
Packaged: 2017-10-19 16:00:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgooglykins/pseuds/mcgooglykins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve McGarrett is not Steve Irwin.</p><div class="center"><a id="cutid1" name="cutid1"></a></div>“Do you know,” Danny said, barely keeping his shit together, “when I rang you up and said ‘Steve, our internet is down, please can you get me the number of the animal removal people because there’s a fucking crocodile in the swimming pool’, that wasn’t code for “call Chin because it’s time to get your crazy on” and then both of you turn up with, what is this? Electrical tape? Electrical tape and rope?”
            </blockquote>





	If you say 'Crikey' I will punch you.

“Do you know,” Danny said, barely keeping his shit together, “when I rang you up and said ‘Steve, our internet is down, please can you get me the number of the animal removal people because there’s a fucking crocodile in the swimming pool’, that wasn’t code for “call Chin because it’s time to get your crazy on” and then both of you turn up with, what is this? Electrical tape? Electrical tape and rope?”

“It’s cool brah,” Chin said, “We did this all the time up in the Territory”.

“This is not the Territory,” Danny pointed out. “Steve. Steve this is not the Territory. This is supposed to be shiny happy Queensland suburbia, and in shiny happy Queensland suburbia you don’t get to do crazy shit like this. You call people in to do the crazy shit like this, professionals, people specifically trained to pull shit like this off and I would have called them if only you had done what I asked and gotten the number for me.”

“Danno, chill,” Steve said. He’d removed his shoes and socks already, sweet Jesus was he actually going to do this? Of course he was actually going to do this, he was going to wrestle a fucking crocodile with his bare hands. Of course. “This is easy, it’s only a baby!”

“Steve.” Danny pinched the bridge of his nose hard and hoped that when he opened his eyes again the world was moderately less insane. “Steve, it’s bigger than I am.”

“Yeah, but most people are, babe,” Steve said as he shrugged out of his shirt. Danny was going to kill him. If the croc didn’t kill him, Danny? Danny was going to. “Don’t worry, this is easy. Take us ten minutes, tops, I swear,” then Steve grinned Shit Eating Grin #73 as wide as he possibly could and Danny tried desperately to refrain from punching him.

“Don’t smile!” Gracie shrieked from behind them, clearly forgetting that when you disobey your father and sneak out onto the verandah when he told you to stay inside, then you should probably stay quiet about it. “Steve! You’re not supposed to smile at them! They’ll eat you if you smile!”

Steve immediately sobered and nodeed. “Of course Gracie, how could I forget? Thank you.”

“Grace, get back in the house. NOW.” Danny yelled over his shoulder.

“I am inside!” she yelled back, but Danny heard the flyscreen slam anyway.

He looked Steve straight in the eye. “Steve,” he said quietly, “just because your name is Steve does not give you blanket permission to throw yourself onto killer dinosaurs whenever the opportunity presents itself.”

Steve looked at him blankly. Danny sighed deeply.

“Since you clearly do not seem to grasp the situation like any normal, sane person would, I am now going to go inside and call the ambulance preemptively, and also Mary, so that she can organise your funeral.”

Steve looked unrepentant. “See you in ten, Danno,” he winked, and Danny threw his arms in the air and went inside. Steve was obviously a lost cause. All Danny could do now was stand between Gracie and the window so she couldn’t see any of the inevitable carnage.

Ten minutes later - actually ten minutes later, the longest ten minutes of Danny’s life (though he wouldn’t ever admit it) - Chin casually knocked on the door and there, there in the middle of the yard was Steve. Sitting on top of the now confused and sulky looking, definitely tied up, god damn crocodile and grinning the smuggest most self-congratulatory smile ever.

“I’ve rung the people to come take it away,” Chin said.

“If you say 'Crikey', I will punch you,” Danny threatened, and held Gracie back by her pigtails to stop her poking the damn thing with a garden rake.


End file.
